eating disorders

for as long as i can remember, i think i’ve had an eating disorder
of some kind. i don’t know what exactly the name is, but i know
that my relationship with food is far from the picture of health.

only recently in my adulthood did i realize that it was a
tendency of mine to overeat when my parents aren’t around.
i developed a sort of scarcity mindset that there wouldn’t be
“enjoyable” food when my parents were in charge so i had to
make the most of the time when they weren’t paying attention
to what i was eating to make sure i got value out of it.

which, like, is super removed from the idea that we as humans
eat to acquire nutrition and to survive. in our post-scarcity society
it’s not uncommon to develop some sort of relationship with food
based around the pleasure you get from consumption. unfortunately
this is an extremely slippery slope and before you know it,
you can easily end up with an eating disorder of your own.

recently, i had spicy fried chicken from both Popeyes and Jollibee.
the thing you have to know about ordering fried chicken from either
of those establishments is that, frankly, the spicy variant just
tastes way better. so when i had them both and forsook myself to
the suffering that comes with having spicy fried greasy shit
coming out of the tailpipe, it made me do a double-take on what
exactly i was doing with my digestive system.

i bought the jollibee because i was in the right part of town to
pick it up and while my excuse is always that my parents are filipino
and would like some jollibee on occasion, my dad doesn’t even eat any
and my mom will only have a piece or two. so it’s mostly me cleaning out
a bucket of fried chicken. and i know that in my heart. so i realized,
i’m looking for and holding on to opportunities to justify to myself
to eat outside because i feel like the opportunity is fleeting.
in reality, i’ve been finding excuses since time immemorial.

they say that realization and acceptance are the first steps to
fixing problems in your life. the problem is progression doesn’t
exactly come naturally after that, and it takes a lot of strength
to break out of familiar routines. i, personally, have been stuck here
for quite a while. and so the novelty of reach realization is eroded
with time, unfortunately. but it’s all we can do is to hold out hope
that we find it within ourselves to make a meaningful change.

but god damn if it isn’t a fucked world to fight against
how delicious bad food is.

i think for myself, i’m going to try just ordering a little less food
than i think would be “good value” next time i order out. it’s gonna happen
again, and i’ve accepted that, but this will be my small way of fighting against it.

thanks for reading today’s post.
i’m hungry.